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These Two Guys Explain
How To Survive The Apocalypse

If you believe the Mayans, 2012 marks the End of Days. But post-apocalyptic life ain’t so bad if you do it right. With scotch. And weed. And lots of animal abuse. In this GQ exclusive, Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt show us how to persevere. There are 12 steps. The first three are below. The rest are here.

1
Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.

2 
If there’s any looting to be done, focus on marijuana dispensaries. If you don’t live in California, that’s too bad. We have marijuana dispensaries.

3 
Assemble a posse of hooligan underlings, choosing a mix of muscular physiques and corpulent ones. Harvest fat from the chubbies and cook the muscular folks in it. When the fatties run out of cellulite to harvest, they are now prime, lean cooking specimens. Obviously you’ll need to be fattening up new “team members” as you go, perpetuating the savory cycle.